Thread: Different parenting styles in couples

This worries me. I love being able to parent exactly how I want to and having nobody to question me/tell me I'm doing it wrong It'll be a huge change when, in the (distant) future I'll have to have someone there who wants to make decisions too. Now that I've done it alone I know exactly what kind of parent I am, and so I'll need to find someone who agrees with me 100% as I'm not changing the way I parent!

Anyway, for now, I'm sooooo happy I don't have another person here to tell me what to do

Well, I'd certainly never compromise on CC/CIO. They are NEVER used and never will be. But then, I have vociferously made my views clear on that score!! However, much as I love cloth nappies, sometimes it's just not worth the hassle of the fight as long as it's only occasional use and not trying to make you give them up completely. And if they leak, he can clean the mess up!!

It really does suck that you have to fight your corner so much. Hubby is with me on most of what we do. When he questions something, we talk about it and thrash out the pros and cons and usually come to a fairly happy compromise. I guess the big difference with us is that hubby does an equal amount of the care and he really does want to get it right (including researching etc - although not quite as much as me - cause I'm research crazy ) He was very supportive of BF (whats not to like its free and its better??), he likes cloth because it makes sense not to buy stuff you'll just throw way (although we are debating the use of cloth in the early weeks with this next baby - he's worried about all the horrible poo and the fact he'll be doing all the washing if I'm in hospital for a long stay again....). He gets why I don't want to do CIO but he would do some form of CC if it were up to him. But he is a babywearing obsessive!! He hates pushchairs and feels really smug that he has only used ours about twice!! And one area that we both agreed on early on was the mad constant commentary and praising that we see other parents do - we both saw it as wierd and a bit oppressive and both agreed we would try not to be too overly condescending towards Arthur.

I really don't understand why your MIL and OH won;t change a cloth nappy? I mean, I get why some people aren't into them - but if you do all the work and all they have to do is change him on the odd occasion then it sounds to me as if they are just being purposefully obstinant. I think you might need to force them to sit through a tutorial with you! And you could make sure that the easiest type of nappy is laid out ready to go when you need to go out. As for the BLW, BF etc - I just would put my foot down and say - unless you're prepared to do the baby care, then he needs to just give you a bit of friggin support! Perhaps he would be will to read one or two articles that you put in front of him? The reason hubby is so on board with how we raise Arthur is that its just plain sensible most of it. Its all fairly scientifically proven stuff. Perhaps an article about attatchment theory would help him with his ideas of forcing independence?

I think its amazing that you're doing what you're doing with Alfie, despite having to battle for it.

Oh is pretty laid back & generally lets me get on with things. He wont put a cloth nappy on her though if I am out because he says he cant work then out, he takes off the cloth one & puts a sposie on(we always have some in the house because she wears them at nursery) The only thing he was initially unhappy about was my decision to breastfeed past 6 months. But once she turned 6 months & he could see that she was actually still quite 'babyish' he wasnt as bothered

Originally Posted by penpen

I think its amazing that you're doing what you're doing with Alfie, despite having to battle for it.

thank you. I needed to hear this.

Originally Posted by Elle

....still request an educated debate on the matter and make my thoughts on how awful they are very clear.

an educated debate thats something that I think will never happen in this house. he's too stubborn and obnoxious to admit that any opinion other than his could possibly be correct or acceptable.

Originally Posted by Twinkle Toes

I dont need to ask anyone else i just do what i want Pretty much the ONLY benefit of being single!!

I can think of so many more advantages to being single, but that isn't the point of the thread.

Originally Posted by Xanthus

This worries me. I love being able to parent exactly how I want to and having nobody to question me/tell me I'm doing it wrong It'll be a huge change when, in the (distant) future I'll have to have someone there who wants to make decisions too. Now that I've done it alone I know exactly what kind of parent I am, and so I'll need to find someone who agrees with me 100% as I'm not changing the way I parent!

Anyway, for now, I'm sooooo happy I don't have another person here to tell me what to do

^^^ exactly this, I can't ever imagine finding the time to have another relationship, but if i did then they would have to agree with how I bring up my child.

It must be hard work living with your OH, I would suggest to him that as he does about 1% of childcare then he can have 1% of input into how it is done.

PHDMum, I'm sorry to hear you're having to struggle to get the "natural" , or what I'd rather it be called, "instinctive" parenting skills across to other people to agree with - but mostly for your other half. That must be hellish to deal with and I think you're doing amazingly well sticking by your guns and doing what comes instinctively to you, I do the same.

If your OH doesn't agree with everything, then I'd have to tell him to ram it and that he'd have to a) disprove what you're doing on a massive basis for you to take any note (of course, he can't ) b) show the reasons behind his sweeping judgements are more than conjecture (e.g. not because he's being selfish and wants something above that of his beautiful son, Alfie) and many many more things besides.

I have a fabulous OH who agrees with how we parent so far - we talked about it at length regarding CIO (never gonna happen) etc. whilst I was pregnant - but he doesn't agree with a few parenting practices that I intend to ensure are carried out with our little one(s). The ones he doesn't agree with, I have made a nice long list of websites and journal articles for him (little does he know) and am adding to them weekly. When it becomes pertinent/close to the time of when these parenting skills will be required - with a bit of time in advance - he's going to get a hell of an influx of e-mails at work and grief at home, if he doesn't read them

Originally Posted by phdmum

OH and I disagree on most parenting decisions. We are at completely opposite ends of the spectrum on pretty much everything. As you can imagine, this causes many an argument and a lot of tension between us. I have the same problem with both my mum and his mum who constantly seem to be having a dig at me. Naturally I find this upsetting as I don't like to be told what I'm doing might be 'ruining' my child.

Most of the time I just do what I think is best for Alfie as I'm the main carer and am with him much more, OH feels like I'm just ignoring him & his opinions. We're both stubborn, we don't compromise easily or often.

I breastfeed, he thinks I should stop.
I co-sleep, he thinks Alfie should be in his own room.
I respond to cries, he thinks I shouldn't.
I use cloth, he thinks it's hippy and disgusting.
I want to do extended rear facing, he thinks we should just do what everyone else does.
I don't want to vaccinate, he thinks I'm being difficult for the sake of being different.

He thinks our son will grow up to be psychologically disturbed and have major life issues because of how I am raising him.

It got me thinking, We can't be the only parents who clash to such an extent. I don't want this to be a 'what can I do to make him agree with me' type thread but would be interested to hear about the parenting disagreements you've had with your partners/mothers/fathers/etc and how you've dealt with it & come to solutions everyone is happy with.

I could've written this myself. As if parenting isn't hard enough without a 'big baby' to deal with too.